Posts Tagged With: monkey forest

Death to the Monkey King

It has been a number of weeks since the Monkey King has posted on WordPress. There are some good reasons to this. And it falls to me – a talking, computer literate monkey –  to narrate the story.

This is the story of the fall of the Monkey King.

Read it well:

It’s tough to describe the character of my former lord. Some describe him as a tyrant. To others; a simpleton. An Australian disillusioned by the wealth, pretension and grandeur in his country. I don’t believe it. To me, he wasn’t a friend, a kind soul, a saviour.

He was my boss.

So I hated him. Even though he liked me.

“You’re my favourite monkey, Mojo! You’re the pick of the litter,” the Monkey King said over and over (sorry to the monkeys who are reading this, I guess you weren’t that important in the MK’s eyes. He never mentioned you to me at any rate, so you couldn’t have been important).

But I had to tell the fool that all the monkeys in the forest weren’t related, so they couldn’t be in a single litter. Besides, monkeys aren’t puppies. Or cats. They are monkeys. I don’t believe monkeys relate to litters. Unless the monkeys are throwing bananas and rubbish on the ground. As in; “stop littering, you stupid monkeys!”

Some compare the Monkey King (our lord Chewbacca) to looking like Jim Morrison.

Jim Morrison

Nah. That’s not true. Jim Morrison has sex appeal. Not that I was sexually attracted to Morrison. It wouldn’t work out. He’s a human. A guy. And he’s a musician.

Never date a musician.

Oh, and I’m quite sure he’s dead. I read somewhere that he was dead.

The Monkey King had blue eyes. Everyone talked about his blue eyes. They startled a person and you had to avoid staring at him because the intensity of his pupils scared you. It was embarrassing to make eye contact. There was something deeply personal about the transaction. All the Balinese locals spoke about his eyes. They said “the Monkey King has blue eyes. Lovely blue eyes. Beautiful blue eyes. I wish I had blue eyes.” In fact, the vendors in the marketplace bought fake eye contacts as deep blue as fake plastic sapphire. To sell them, the vendors pitched them to potential buyers as “Monkey King eyes.”

“Ay you, want eyes like Monkey King?”

Nobody wanted eyes like the Monkey King, it turned out. Not for 70,000 Rupiah anyway. The eyes were too deep set, they made him seem crazy.

Chris Bitstrip

But it wasn’t his eyes that made him crazy. It was his actions.

Sure, in his blog he blamed the craziness on the monkeys, but we just obeyed his orders. He was insane.

And through his insanity, dis-contention began among the ranks.

-He’d play his trumpet in the early morning, waking us up at 5am to When the Saints Go Marching In.

– He burnt down Rafiki’s treehouse while we were having a onesie party. What an evil thing to do.

Having fun. Ha ha ha ha ha, see?

Having fun. Ha ha ha ha ha, see?

– He refused to marry and produce heirs. He broke the heart of our lovely Scar-face. Toyed with her emotions.

Scar-face-web-quality

-He endorsed slave labour.

– He kidnapped a drop bear from its native country, and released a white tiger, using them to spread fear among the monkeys (who are terrified by them). He’d say “if you don’t do what you’re told and work 15 hours a day for free, then the drop bear and white tiger will get you!”

-He made us watch Gossip Girl and Neighbours. It was never the good shows. I still haven’t caught up with Game of Thrones.

-And, I’m pretty sure he ate this monkey for breakfast last Sunday

Chelsea Suzanne Photography

Why would you eat such a cute little thing? What a monster!

– And so, you might be tempted to think of the Monkey King as a martyr, a kind man, a nobleman, a hero of sorts, especially when you learn what happened to him.

But actually, he was just a man. A monkey man. As cruel and as deceitful as the rest of us.

I continue soon.

Categories: Humor, literature | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Monkeys ditch reality TV for Pokemon

BIG Monkey is cancelled! After little more than a week on the air.

It was going to happen anyway, but then one of the monkey-mates observed a tourist leave his car door unlocked, with a Nintendo DS still inside! All the monkeys except Simeon (a stuffed toy) jumped out of the tree to be the first one to play Pokemon X, leaving me alone.

Who wouldn't quit reality TV for the chance to pick one of these Pokemon!

Who wouldn’t quit reality TV for the chance to pick one of these Pokemon!

I was up there another five hours until the cameraman shouted “you can leave the tree now you idiot!”

It’s good to be on the ground again.

The cameramen said the TV Station had enough footage so the show could stretch on for another week or two. Almost as an afterthought, he got me back up the tree to shout abuse at monkeys. Then I threw poo at the ground and we called it “a wrap”.

The only thing I can say about this entire Big Monkey fiasco is this; never trust monkeys when it involves reality TV.

AND;

You can trust bunnies, a baited bear, a toilet trained puppy, celebrities in a swimming pool, but never trust a monkey.

Categories: BIg Monkey, Pokemon | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Big Monkey listed in top five worst Indonesian TV shows being aired

LAST night the monkey-mates all played pirates and after an epic battle, three of the monkeys were ordered to jump off a branch.

Photograph taken at Pulua Ubin, Singapore.

Ordered to walk the branch.

Great. This show has lasted a week and out of fifteen monkeys, we’ve only got ten left.

I got to say on TV, in a booming voice;“Fifteen monkeys climbed up the tree. Only ten monkeys are still in the tree.”

That’s a reference to the movie JAWS.

Or since this involves monkeys instead of sharks, should I say…PAWS?

No, I should never say that. In fact – I should delete that line. But what the hell, I’m going to let you read it.

Gina (a damn fine woman) spoke to me this afternoon!  (I’ll get to first base before you know it). She said that Big Monkey was mentioned in an entertainment magazine. It was in a list of five worst TV shows currently being aired. We get about 450 viewers per half an hour episode. If it doesn’t pick up soon the show is going to be cancelled.

In fact – it will be worse than cancelled. It will be deleted from the TV Stations archives and it will never show to DVD. Oh man, I hope this will happen soon.

Categories: BIg Monkey, television shows | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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